Now, in general, I don't mind shopping. I'm not like super girly about my desire to shop, but I don't hate it. And I do love shoes as evidenced by the vast quantities of footwear strewn about the house that belongs to me. And I hate being in pain, which was definitely the case after running on bad shoes. So one would expect that I would be stoked about this outing.
Yeah, except not so much.
See, I couldn't just walk in, pick up something, pay for it and walk out. I don't know anything about running and I really don't know anything about running shoes, so I was going to have to talk to someone about the best shoes for me. People who work at stores that sell running shoes tend to be athletic-type folks. I am a decidedly non-athletic-type. So this overweight, middle-aged mom was going to have to go and tell some kid who probably did an Ironman Triathlon last week that she needed running shoes. The imaginary laughter ringing in my head was absolutely deafening. I had visions of him pointing me next door (seriously, who designed this???) to the Great American Cookie Company. I mostly just wanted to cry and not do this.
For a long time I've put off any kind of exercise because I've just seen myself as too fat to work out. I've assumed that if I even suggested to someone that I'd like to get out and do something active, I would be met with eye rolls and jeers and snickers. Not because this has ever happened. Nope, it's just that the voices in my brain are downright mean. They like to tear me down and keep me from making positive changes. Depression, even when it's not full-blown, can have a voice louder than even me, and that is really something.
Anyway, when the salesperson came over, I rattled off that I needed help finding shoes because I was just starting the Couch to 5K program and I didn't have anything safe to run in and I don't know anything about shoes so just tell me what to do and I'll buy it. And you know? He didn't point and laugh. He didn't sullenly guesture the door with a look that said, "Seriously? Leave now." He didn't make any barnyard animal noises. He just congratulated me on starting to run and helped me find shoes that will help me stick with the plan. In fact, he helped me pick these shoes:
|My Brooks Adrenaline running shoes|
And in that same "it has some really horrible and bad and hurting, but also some awesome" way, I love finding that, in order to change myself, I have to look to other people for help. I had to go to the store and pay for the shoes. But I needed help to get the right shoes for me. I have to get up and drive to the stadium and put my feet to the track, but I have a massive stack of people cheering me on.
I have to look at my fears and negative thoughts and say, "I'm not going to listen to you today," but I have a Heavenly Father who wants to drown out those bad voices with words like, "I rejoice over you. I dance over you. Come rest in my love."
Are you facing any fears (real or imagined) that keep you from pursuing something good for you? How do you overcome those negative voices? What are your favorite shoes?
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