I'm a Slut

In November of 1996, I began taking oral contraceptives. And in December of that same year, I started having sex. I don't remember the exact date, but I do know that it was the first of many times.

I'd messed around a lot the two and a half years prior. Lots of pushing the envelope as far as it could go without crossing over to sex, and at least a little bit of pushing beyond even that. The only thing that kept me from just going ahead having intercourse was a deathly fear of pregnancy. I was not going to be an unwed mother, so I didn't have sex. But I was sure as hell sexual, and I got as good as I gave.

I've had one sexual partner in my life. And I'm married to him. In the two and a half years before we were married, we were completely faithful to one another. He was the first and only person that has shared my bed.

It can be easy to read those first few paragraphs and call that woman a slut. She was sexually active outside of marriage. She engaged in sex as soon as the threat of pregnancy was removed. She was an active and enthusiastic sexual partner.

I knew all of the reasons why I should wait. I even agreed with them. And before I met Jason, there was never any question that I would wait. I wanted to be with someone that I loved and who loved me back. I wanted to be with someone who was fully committed to me. I wanted to be with someone that I intended to spend my life with.

Jason was all of those things.

But he was all of those things for two and a half years before we were officially married.

And this is where the word slut is problematic to me. Not only because it demeans women, but because it is generally used about women who aren’t ashamed of being sexual. Women who say, “Yes, I want to have sex and I want to have an orgasm when I do.” Women who don’t have sex coupled with regret.

When we use this phrase, whether loudly on the radio or in whispers in church, we wrap sex, and particularly the female enjoyment of sex, in a huge blanket of shame.

When we teach our daughters “don't be a slut,” we aren’t simply teaching them to be faithful to their future husband. We aren’t simply teaching them to respect themselves. We aren’t simply teaching them to value marriage and fidelity and oneness.

When we use that word they may hear those lessons, but it comes with extra baggage. When we say "don't be a slut," we’re teaching them that if they do have sex outside of marriage, they had better feel terrible about it. They can never admit to enjoying it. And they should never, ever, ever be the one to pursue it.

These messages stick with you, regardless of your sexual activity. Whether it becomes something that you fear or you pursue recklessly, sex loses that which makes it truly sacred - the ability of two to become one.

You may consider my past behavior to be slutty. You may consider my current behavior to be slutty.

All I know is that I want the same thing today that I have wanted every day since the first time Jason kissed me, and that's to be curled up naked with him.

If that makes me a slut, then I'm a slut.

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Today I'm linking up with Joy in this Journey for Life: Unmasked, where we share life openly. Click here to see the other posts and to leave your own.

Guest post at LeighKramer.com

I know that everyone things that they have the best "how we met" story, but the truth is, Jason and I win. I absolutely love our story, so when Leigh Kramer asked me to participate in her This is How We Met blog series, I was all over it. (And by all over it, I mean, turned it in a week late - sorry Leigh!)

Here's a short excerpt from my piece:

For my entire life, I’ve hated the heat. I am absolutely miserable when I’m hot and most people don’t want to be around me. It’s certainly not when you’d want to meet me because I am not at my most charming when I’m sweaty and gross. 

It was a hot Friday afternoon in June of 1992.  I had just graduated from high school and was just days away from celebrating my 18^th birthday, officially marking my journey to becoming an adult. 

Part of this move to adulthood was that I was putting off the angst of looking for a boyfriend. I had played that game with little success in high school, and wasn’t interested in continuing it into college. I was perfectly content entering college as a single woman and was looking forward to finding myself.

Head on over to Leigh's site to read the rest and to see a picture of us that was taken within minutes of us meeting for the first time.

Quotes from Judge Reinhardt's Majority Opinion on Prop 8

"We do not celebrate when two people merge their bank accounts; we celebrate when a couple marries." ~page 39

"The court found, among other things, that (1) marriage benefits society by organizing individuals into cohesive family units, developing a realm of liberty for intimacy and free decision making, creating stable households, legitimating children, assigning individuals to care for one another, and facilitating property ownership; (2) marriage benefits spouses and their children physically, psychologically, and economically, whether the spouses are of the same or opposite sexes; (3) domestic partnerships lack the social meaning associated with marriage; (4) permitting same-sex couple to marry would not affect the number or stability of opposite-sex marriages; (5) the children of same-sex couples benefit when their parents marry, and they fare just as well as children raised by opposite-sex parents; (6) Proposition 8 stigmatizes same-sex couples as having relationships inferior to those of opposite-sex couples; (7) Proposition 8 eliminated same-sex couples' right to marry but did not affect any other substantive right they enjoyed; and (8) the campaign in favor of Proposition 8 relied upon stereotypes and unfounded fears about gays and lesbians." ~page 18


"A law that has no practical effect except to strip one group of the right to use a state-authorized and socially meaningful designation is all the more 'unprecedented' and 'unusual' than a law that imposes broader changes, and raises an even stronger 'inference that the disadvantage imposed is born of animosity toward the class of persons affected.'" ~page 46


"A preference for the way things were before same-sex couples were allowed to marry, without any identifiable good that a return to the past would produce, amounts to an impermissible preference against same-sex couples themselves, as well as their families." ~pages 71-72

"By emphasizing Proposition 8's limited effect, we do not mean to minimize the harm that this change in the law caused to same-sex couples and their families. To the contrary, we emphasize the extraordinary significance of the official designation of 'marriage.' That designation is important because 'marriage' is the name that society gives to the relationship that matters most between two adults. A rose by any other name may smell as sweet, but to the couple desiring to enter into a committed lifelong relationship, a marriage by the name of 'registered domestic partnership' does not." ~page 37


"In order to explain how rescinding access to the designation of 'marriage' is rationally related to the State's interest in responsible procreation, Proponents would have had to argue that opposite-sex couples were more likely to procreate accidentally or irresponsibly when same-sex couples were allowed access to the designation of 'marriage.' We are aware of no basis on which this argument would be even conceivably plausible. There is not rational reason to think that taking away the designation of 'marriage' from same-sex couples would advance the goal of encouraging California's opposite-sex couples to procreate more responsibly." ~page 60

"All that Proposition 8 accomplished was to take away from same-sex couples the right to be granted marriage licenses and thus legally to use the designation of 'marriage,' which symbolizes state legitimization and societal recognition of their committed relationship. Proposition 8 serves no purpose, and has no effect, other than to lessen the status and human dignity of gays and lesbians in California, and to officially reclassify their relationships and families as inferior to those of opposite-sex couples. The Constitution simply does not allow for 'laws of this sort.'" ~page 5

You can read the full majority opinion here.

You Romance Me

You know how to romance.

Sure, there are the easy things,
like flowers picked up at the grocery store
when I ask you to stop and get the eggs that I forgot to buy.
Or the gold earrings you chose for me that I wear almost every day.

You say the obligatory
I love you's
and
You're beautiful's
that make me smile and blush, even after 15 years.

You know how to romance according to the books.
You compliment, you serve, you defer.
You follow the rules of romance.

But you color outside of those heart-shaped boxes.

You shower me with laptop batteries
and ninja t-shirts
and Terminator DVDs.

You whisper sweet nothings like
That's terrific bass
and
Hey baby. I'm, like, pretty tall
that make me laugh and love you more deeply than I could imagine.

You know things that the books could never tell you,
not in a million years,
about how to make me weak in the knees.
So you've added pages.

You know how to romance me.

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Do you have any "unique" expressions of romance with your spouse? If you're not married, do you and your friends have any special things that might not look fun to anyone but you?

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This is a part of the One Word at a Time Blog Carnival hosted by Peter Pollock. You can read more submissions and add your own here.

15 Reasons Why I'd Do It Again

Today Jason and I celebrate fifteen years of marriage! To each other! Consecutively! Exclamation points!

All joking aside (for the record, it is never, ever aside in our house), I am ridiculously happy to be married to Jason. He is my most favorite person and I consider myself lucky beyond words to get to spend my life with him.

After fifteen years, I would, without hesitation, marry this man again. Here are just a few of those reasons:

1. He makes me laugh harder than anyone else.
2. He knows how to play.
3. He is the most honest person I've ever met.
4. He has a killer ass.
5. We never run out of things to talk about.
6. He is smart, but never gets tired of learning more.
7. He is generous, even when he doesn't have much to give.
8. ***censored***
9. He is passionate.
10. He has always treated me with respect, even when we disagree.
11. He introduced me to Beavis & Butt-head
12. He produces ridiculously good-looking children.
13. He agrees that for our fiftieth anniversary, we will go to a clothing optional resort.
14. He chooses to put others, including me, ahead of himself.
15. He tells me that he loves me every single day.

Happy anniversary, baby. I hope I've given you even a fraction of what you've given me. I love you.

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What's your favorite thing about your significant other? If you're not with someone, what is something that you're looking for in a mate?

Repost: Lessons Learned

This was a post that didn't get a lot of play when it first ran, but it was an important one to me. It was good for me to think back of the season we had just been through and evaluate what I had learned from it. Jon Acuff is promoting that Finish Year at his blog. I encourage you to go check it out and share what you want to do with others. But while we keep our eyes on the goal, don't forget to enjoy the journey as well and take as much from that as you do from the result.

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photo © 2007 Michel Filion | more info (via: Wylio)
I intended to blog yesterday. I had a topic picked out and was starting to work on a post (I know, I'm supposed to be ahead here. I get it.). I got a few paragraphs in and got a call from Jason.

About a month ago, he applied for a new job and we've been waiting anxiously to see if it came through. He was calling to let me know that he did indeed get the job. In that moment, my day was pretty shot because all I wanted to do was celebrate this achievement. That good news was enough to pretty much set me in a happy place all day long. (Also, not having my own laptop makes me a little crazy. Why is it so hard to concentrate on writing while using a different computer???)

I haven't written a whole lot about Jason's year and a half of school, since that's more his story that mine. But after yesterday's good news, I did start thinking about what I want our kids to take away from that long, difficult season. I came up with a few thoughts that I think are probably good reminders for me too.

1. Education matters. Despite my hubby's excellent work ethic and job loyalty, because he hadn't finished college previously, a number of jobs that he was well qualified for were unavailable to him. Finishing a degree allowed him opportunities that he simply didn't have before. But even if the previous 18 months had not resulted in a new job, learning is never wasted. Jason's degree doesn't really have much to do with his former or new job, but the knowledge that he has still has great value.
2. Dreams don't have an age limit. Many of Jason's classmates were very, very young (possibly embryonic) when he was in school the first time. He had some professors who were finishing up doctorates who were younger than him. But this has been something that he has wanted to do since we've been married. I'm so proud of him for not allowing his age to be an obstacle for pursuing his degree.
3. Dreams require sacrifice. The past 18 months were hard. Working full-time and going to school full-time would be hard already. Add caring for a family to that mix and it's damn near super-human. The end result though was definitely worth it, but the season was hard on everyone and it's a good reminder that dreams don't happen without some blood, sweat and tears (or at least, the tears part. I don't think we had much bloodshed.).
4. Other people are important for success. This year was tough, but none of us did it alone. We had to support one another right here in our family. But beyond that, we had the encouragement and help of our family and friends. The only person who could do Jason's work was Jason, but I don't believe that any of us can achieve our full potential without the help of others. We need community.
5. Achieving your dreams is fun. Despite all of the work and sacrifice and loss of sleep and all of that, when you see something that you've poured yourself into come to life, it is exciting. It's easy to lose that sense of joy in the midst of the difficulties, but when we're pursuing our passions, we need to remember to have fun as well. To quote Dr. Seuss, "These things are fun and fun is good."

What dream are you working toward? Do you have any lessons that you have learned in pursuit of your goals?

My Favorite

I don't use the word favorite the way that it's supposed to be used. It's supposed to mean "preferred before all others of the same kind." But I tend to be a lot more generous in my use.

My favorite book is John Irving's A Prayer for Owen Meany. Unless it's E. B. White's Charlotte's Web. Or maybe The Stand by Stephen King.

I probably have 20 favorite movies. Not favorite movies for a particular mood or favorites in different genres. No, even within those, I still have more than one favorite.

Same with foods, television shows, holidays, bands. If you ask me for my favorite song off of a CD, I'll give you three. If you ask me for my favorite time of day, I'll give you a choice. If you ask me my favorite hair coloring product, I'll list the last half a dozen colors that I've used. I'll make favorite things lists that rival Maria von Trapp's any day.

I'm not very good at the favorite game.

But there is one constant favorite. A favorite that has been the same for more than half my life. A favorite who, despite his advancing age, has been my best friend, my biggest supporter, my hardest laugh provider, and most amazing husband ever.

Today is Jason's birthday, and I want him to know, that of all of my favorites out there, he is my most favorite favorite.



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Tell me about some of your favorites. Favorite people, foods, art, whatever. Just favorites.

I Kissed Dating (My Husband) Goodbye

Jason and I have never been very much for dating. When we first got together, we were a long-distance couple. We didn't see each other very often (about every four to six weeks), so when we were together, we chose to stay in. When we married, we were on completely different shifts, me student teaching bright and early in the morning and him working retail until late at night. We then moved, got pregnant, moved again, got pregnant three more times in under three years, and found that staying home was way easier (and cheaper) than trying to find a babysitter for four young kids.

One of our best dates

But finding babysitters and time are just excuses. The real reason that we don't date is because we are very bad at it. We will occasionally have a nice time out with just the two of us, but those are the exceptions. Our bad dates tend to be atrocious. I submit the following:

• We were on vacation. My parents stayed with the kids while we went to see Spiderman 3 (so there's already THAT). We didn't pay attention to our exit number and got completely lost when we came home. Added probably 3 hours to our trip. Massive thunderstorm, screaming at each other, all within about one mile of the hotel the whole time.
• We decided that we really wanted to attend the Rally To Restore Sanity. Got there in (what we thought was) plenty of time to take the Metro to DC and see our two favorite satirists. Were hours late, saw none of the rally, had to walk for hours trying to find a place to pee, then walked the entirely wrong direction to find dinner and ended up walking an additional 30 or so blocks out of our way. Pissed off my in-laws because we were getting back about 6 hours late and wouldn't be able to pick up our kids at the right time. Also, he slept the entire drive to DC and I slept the entire drive home.
• First night out after Jason graduated. Got all fancied up for a night out. Received a call from our daughter about 15 minutes after we left that her brother had just yakked everywhere and we needed to come home. Grabbed Chinese from our favorite restaurant on our way home, only to discover that it had new owners who make the worst food ever.
• Another vacation mishap. We were drawing a nice, romantic hot tub to set the mood for a night of marital relations. Had just entered the bubbles when the single most terrifying, obnoxious sound happened. The hotel's fire alarm was going off.
• Last Friday Jason had the day off. After weeks of travel and weekends that were entirely too full to really have any quality time, we had a whole day together while the kids were in school. We went out to lunch. Terrible service, overpriced meal, and the topper? Jason's margarita had an olive garnish. An olive. In a margarita. 

So we've decided that Josh Harris was right after all and we're going to kiss dating goodbye.

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Tell me about your worst date. Or tell me about your best date. It's okay, I promise I won't get THAT jealous.