Grace Indeed by Dianna Anderson

I haven't known Dianna for terribly long, but I'm so thankful to have met her! She has a wonderful sense of humor that she uses to write about deeply non-funny things. As someone considerably older, I admire how she uses her voice to help women. And today I'm happy to be able to share her story about some cross-gender friendships that she's had.

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When I was a kid, my best friend was a boy named Phil whose backyard was kiddy-corner from mine. This wasn’t a friendship of convenience, though – he wasn’t my best friend because there was no one else in the neighborhood. In fact, there were three or four girls around in the same few block radius. But for some reason, I never got along with them – it may have had something to do with them making me pay them a dime in order to go on a walk.

As a little girl, I did not conform to gender roles. I was much more interested in climbing a tree than playing with dolls. My hair was cut short because I refused to comb it. And, most obviously, my best friends were boys.

I never understood why my friendship with boys was a reason for teasing, but there was teasing nonetheless. My two best friends in fourth and fifth grade were Curtis and Tyler, and every day when walking home, my classmates would tease me, “Hey Dianna, do you liiiiiiike Curtis? Are you guys going to do iiiit?” (In fourth grade, we barely knew what “it” was, other than that it was something people who liked each other in that way did).

Now, as a 26 year old adult, I have some sympathy for those kids who teased me throughout elementary school. It’s pretty clear that they were just parroting the belief that men and women can’t be just friends – that there will always be some kind of sexual tension or problems there. And you especially cannot be friends with a married man if you are a single woman. Because so many others before us have made mistakes, have committed “emotional adultery,” cross gender friendships are problematic. This is a fact that has always been a reality in my life, from seven years old all the way into adulthood. I’ve always gotten along better with the males of our species, and I’ve always had to defend that choice of friendship.

But when I hit college, something changed. Girls, instead of thinking me weird or odd for being friends with boys, were jealous. Because of a lifetime of being best friends with guys, talking to them was easy for me. It wasn’t hard for me to sit down in the lunchroom and start a conversation with a man I didn’t know, and it wasn’t hard for me to develop close friendships that weren’t plagued by “does she like me in that way? What if she does? Oh no!”

Of course, there were boundaries and sometimes confusion – as any cross gender friendships will have. But in my choice to defy norms and develop friendships with boys at an early age, I set myself up for easier friendships as an adult.

In the church, we do a major disservice to both men and women when we discourage cross-gender friendships, when we warn people off of getting “too close” with a member of the opposite sex, when we instill fear instead of grace into our relationships. I truly believe that my cross gender friendships throughout my life have helped me to understand grace, mercy, and love on a deeper level. Because I am not afraid of the what-if and what-would-people-think, each of my friends fills their role as David, as Josiah, as Jim, as Sam, as Chase, and James. Rather than being just “men,” they are each, uniquely, my brothers. And that is grace indeed.

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Dianna Anderson has a day job as a radio producers on the south side of Chicago. By night, though, she takes to the internet as a caped crusader of feminism! Which means that she blogs about feminism and theology and how people should be allowed to say "vagina" without cringing. Her blog can be found at: http://www.diannaeanderson.net

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This post is a part of a series of guest posts about cross-gender friendships in preparation for the Sacred Friendship Gathering in April. For more information about the gathering, check out the website. I hope to see you there! 

 

My SEO Prowess (or I'm Sorry Your Search Lead You Here)

My bloggy friend David Nilsen (who I get to meet in exactly one month - SQUEEE!) has done a few "searches that led to my blog" posts. Below I will shameless rip off this idea. Thanks David. If you had sent your guest post to me in a more timely manner, perhaps this could have been avoided. (Probably not.)

• "hymnal crafts" - Since the church I attend hasn't been around long enough to use hymnals, I don't think I have the materials for these crafts. Sorry.
• "filipino mathematicians" - I'm not Filipino. I'm even MORE not a mathematician. And this is something, because I'm not Filipino in the least. If you go visit Jessica Buttram's blog, you could probably convince her to do a little math with you.
• "i hate things that are tacky" - Preaching to the choir, my friend. 
• "mojo jojo gay" - I'd like to state for the record, I have never made that connection.
• "how do i start kissing husband goodbye" - I suggest a peck on the cheek. You go much further than that and he may decide that he'd just rather stay home. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
• "kids love pictures with coffee" - I think my blog might be a little more adult themed, but if the kids want pictures while they drink their coffee, I'll try to provide.
• "nothing but butts" - This is a fairly regular one, and I always feel bad for these folks, because a picture of a giant ass-shaped rock is probably NOT what they were hoping for.
• "funeral message for a young person who overdozed" - The post that this no doubt landed on is not funny in any way (though Caleb is a great writer and has no aversion to humor), but this search is one of my favorites. When I saw it, all I could think was, "No funeral needed - just spray them with a water gun!" Though maybe I can use it as a threat to my 13 year old when she over-sleeps...

Regardless of how you got here, I'm glad that you've stopped by! 

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If you blog, what's the best search that has landed someone at your site? If you don't blog, have any interesting phrases that we might see checking your search history?

Book Review: Building a Life Out of Words by Shawn Smucker

Shawn Smucker has a fascinating story. Fortunately, he is a wonderful story-teller, so that works out well for him.

In his new e-book Building a Life Out of Words, Shawn shares the story of becoming a full-time writer. The first thing that you should know about this book is that it is not a how-to book. If you're reading this to find out how you can make a living as a writer, this is not going to give you step-by-step instructions on how to achieve that goal. However, any time someone shares their story, there will be events that you can learn from if you want to follow in their footsteps.

Through the chapters, Shawn tells us a bit more about his journey. His fears, his failures, his successes, his resolve. I really enjoyed reading about he and his wife Maile navigated the challenges of not knowing what was in front of them, but how they worked together to follow their dreams. Each chapter offers one main ideal that Shawn shares in bold. Again, because this is not a how-to book, these are not action steps or anything like that, but rather larger forces that work against you when you choose to pursue your dream (which also makes them applicable for a wider audience, not simply for those interested in writing).

One other element in each chapter is a contribution from someone who either makes a living as a writer or is on their way to making a living as a writer. I was already familiar with nearly all of the authors in this section, and while each piece was well-written, I felt like this could have been an opportunity to offer a bit more how-to advice and it seemed too scattered for my taste. I'm sure that part of that is just that what works for one person may not work for everyone, but I still felt like these stories could have been a bit more practical. Because they didn't all follow the same format (practical help or more ideology based), they felt a bit disjointed.

That said, this is still a great book and I would easily recommend it to someone interested in pursuing work as a full-time writer. At no point is the journey made to look glamorous (unless living in your parents' basement has a certain cache that I'm of yet still unaware), but it does look like something that is attainable. I always enjoy the honesty found in Shawn's writing and this is no exception. If you're interested in pursuing a path different from the one that you are currently on, this book is for you. And if you're simply looking for a good story about someone who is doing what they love, this book is for you.

Head over to Shawn's site for information on how to purchase this book!

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Shawn blogs (almost) daily at http://shawnsmucker.com. He is currently traveling the country for four months with his wife and four children in a big, blue bus named Willie, looking for service opportunities as well as other writers to meet up with. You can find him on Facebook (Shawn Smucker, Writer) and Twitter (@shawnsmucker).



Disclosure: I received a complimentary copy of Building a Life Out of Words for the purpose of review and am in a drawing for a $100 gift card. However, all opinions are 100% my own. 

Pro-Compassion

I received the following letter from a friend of mine who is a nurse with Planned Parenthood. I asked her if I could share it with you and she agreed.

I worked at the Planned Parenthood clinic in one of our most affluent communities in Texas today. It is the only clinic that we have protesters at in the Dallas area.

In the 15 years that I have worked for Planned Parenthood, I have never seen this much protester activity. There were between 15 people when I got there to about 30 people when I left out on the small area of grass between the sidewalk and the street, shouting at cars driving by, holding up signs and calling me personally a baby killer when I walked into the clinic this morning. They are not allowed on the parking lot or to engage us in any conversation and will be arrested for trespassing, so I did not feel threatened as I walked in, but they can certainly find out about me from the plates on my car. I don't feel that I am in any danger or that my family is, but it is making me more uncomfortable than I have ever been in the past.

Despite all of this I had a great day at work! I saw people with medical problems or who wanted a well woman exam and/or contraception and one young women who was there for a pregnancy test. A planned pregnancy, we celebrated with her. She said that the protesters told her we would try to convince her to have an abortion and she was nervous but needed a form for Medicaid so came in anyway. She was surprised that abortion was never even mentioned and we were celebrating with her. It is only mentioned when someone asks for the information, we do not give it to everyone. We do not do abortions at any of our clinics, we do not even have an abortion clinic that is a part of our affiliate. There is another affiliate in Dallas that does perform them but it is separate from us.

The amazing part of my day though was the many people who stopped by the clinic to thank us for being there. To find out where to donate time or money to Planned Parenthood to make sure that we stay here for the community. The men and women who offered to watch the parking lot to make sure we were safe and who offered to buffer the patients from the protesters. The people who wrote letters that they have brought in thanking us.

This is why I work for this organization, I know that I make a difference for these individuals. I am doing an important job and I get to hold my head up and ignore the disrespectful crowd and remember why I am here.

It feels good to say that this afternoon. Thanks for listening.

Growing up, I was fully immersed in the pro-life culture. I marched on Washington with my sign. I watched Silent Scream. I took pictures of carved up fetuses and showed them to my elementary school classmates. If my kids mentioned someone like this in their class today, I would be appalled, but back then, it was completely normal behavior.

Of course I hated Planned Parenthood.

The thing is, I didn't know anything about Planned Parenthood. There wasn't one in my town. I didn't know anyone who had visited one. I certainly didn't know anyone who worked at one.

My anger and hatred was borne completely out of my ignorance. I chose only to listen to one set of stories, rather than to all of the stories.

Things like abortion and the discussion between a woman's right to choose and a fetus's right to be born are difficult to sort through. I would love for there to be simple answers to these questions, but I've yet to find them.

In the absence of answers, I want to seek out ways to be compassionate. Compassion for the women who are forced to make difficult decisions. Compassion for unborn babies who are seen as burdens. Compassion for doctors and nurses who help women receive the care that they need.

When we choose compassion, we choose life.

Stuff I've Been Reading

Feeling a bit better this week than last, though this is one long-lasting cold. But we've had stunning weather this week AND I got to spend some time with great friends AND my husband is back from Wisconsin, so despite this persistent cold, I'm feeling pretty good.

• This week my friend Tamara Lunardo wrote a story about her time as a foster mom. I love that Tamara is so generous with her writing (I regularly link to posts she's written somewhere other than her blog), but even more than that, I love how generous she is with her heart. 
• Loved this post from Erika Morrison about interacting with people online and how we treat one another in a virtual environment.
• This week Rachel Held Evans wrote about her fight over the word "vagina" in her upcoming book. There have been a number of responses to this, but my favorite was from Karen Spears Zacharias. I found myself nodding my head pretty much non-stop through the whole thing.
• David Hayward always makes me think. His prayer from the cell panel last Sunday was particularly thought provoking.
• Caleb Wilde became an adoptive father recently (yay!). His post about being all in as a parent when your child could be taken away is absolutely stunning. 
• It seems that Janette over at Catalog Living had a rough week. 
• Have you taken a second to like my page over on Facebook? I would really love it if you'd head over there and give it a like. I promise, I won't spam your feed.

What have you read/written/watched/listened to this week that moved you? Link it up in the comments!

Finding Friendship with Women by Kellen Freeman

The prevailing wisdom tends to be that women think they can be friends with men, but men are always looking for a little "something-something" if they can get it. I'm so happy to host Kellen Freeman here today to help break that myth. I love how he talks about what he gained from his friendships with women and how they were a place of safety, not danger. Thanks, Kellen, for sharing your story today!

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In high school, my closest friends were guys. We shared similar interests, favorite music and movies, and were even in a couple bands together. But when I left for college, that began to change. I found my circle of friends mainly shifting to women. It was a situation not entirely familiar to me, but it was one I’m absolutely thankful for.

When I first arrived at college, my only friend on campus was a female friend I had only spoke to over AOL Instant Messenger. She invited me to a campus ministry that she went to on Wednesday nights. Within that group I was adopted into a group of girls that met together every Sunday night to watch the shows on ABC, Grey’s Anatomy, Extreme Home Makeover, and Desperate Housewives. While I have to admit that I didn’t always enjoy the shows, I enjoyed the company. They cared about me and were interested in who I was as a person. That first year I didn’t have too many guy friends. It wasn’t because they weren’t around, but because they were already in solid friendships and I didn’t see much of them. I met with some guys for a weekly Bible study, but that was about it. The girls were around more often and I valued having their opinions and their friendships.

These girls even helped me to accept my past as a part of who I am. Four years earlier my father had died, and two years earlier I was hospitalized for major depression. It was a story I didn’t tell people because I didn’t like to share it. But after letting out a tiny bit of that story one night, these girls gathered around me, bought a pizza, and listened as I told my story. It was one I had never told from start to end before. The best part was, at the end of it all, they didn’t accuse me of not being a Christian, they didn’t say depression was a sin, they didn’t say anything corny or cheesy about the death of a loved one. They just loved me. They listened to who I was with the only purpose of seeking to know another. It was the best situation to open up to. Since then, I’ve managed to tell my story without hesitation because these girls have helped me to realize that this is not something to run from, but it is who I am.

When I graduated from college and left for seminary, I arrived at my new dorm room in a state away from any friends I had before. I gravitated toward the guys that I had class with because we would play video games together and that helped build camaraderie among us. But usually when I was looking for a solid conversation, I would walk down the hall a few doors to a female friend’s room. We would share the hard struggles we had and our problems in ways I didn’t usually talk to my guy friends about. For some reason I just felt her company was a better fit for the deeper discussions of life than my guy friends were.

As college went on, I met a girl, and as seminary was in full swing I would marry her. Because of the lifestyle two full time students possess, my wife and I are each others primary friendship. We haven’t found too many friendships in our town, so most nights we just spend at home together. This proximity has led to some great conversations, fun board games, and way too many hours spent on NetFlix. In that time, she has become my closest friend. One that I can share anything with, and one that seeks to better know me, help me to become a better person, and one that puts up with my desire for theological discussions at 1 in the morning.

Though we have drifted a part because we are no longer in school together, I think back to the friendships I once had during college and remember how they helped shape me into who I am today. That is something I’m incredibly thankful for, and wouldn’t change, even if I could.

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Kellen is a recent graduate from the Methodist Theological School in Ohio. He lives near Akron, OH with his wife Rachael. He blogs regularly at www.kellenfreeman.net and has a new food blog starting today at www.aheapingtablespoon.com. You can find him on Twitter @kellenfreeman. Call him a hipster because of the v-neck if you must, but he’ll fight you about it until his last breath.


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This post is a part of a series of guest posts about cross-gender friendships in preparation for the Sacred Friendship Gathering in April. For more information about the gathering, check out the website. I hope to see you there! 

Camp Happy

It's been a really long time since I've had a sleep-over. But today my best friend Tina is coming for a visit and she's spending the night. We did this a few years ago at her place when we went to see TMBG together, but that was a while ago and all of our visits lately have been a couple hours over coffee or in a grocery store or getting my iPod replaced. Always awesome, but regrettably short. So time to hang out, go to the midnight premier of the Hunger Games, and just catch up in person instead of over the phone is something that I'm deeply looking forward to.

But sleep-overs also remind me of Camp Happy.

I can't remember who was Gilligan

Camp Happy was pretty much the pinnacle of awesomeness when I was in high school. There were six of us that were close, so a couple times a year, we would pile into our friend Cece's gigantic Suburban (this was in the days before SUV's owned the roads, so it seemed positively enormous) and drive the hour or so out to her family's get-away in the country. I honestly don't remember what it was called for real, but we called it Camp Happy, and that's certainly good enough for me.

I have so many great memories from then. Trying to get through every card, and every column on the card, in Scattergories. Recreating an episode of Gilligan's Island and filming it. Filling out Cosmo quizzes. Dyeing my hair black for the first time. Trying to figure out if we could smuggle some alcohol there, not to drink, but so we could make a flambe.

I remember these things, not because they had any real bearing on the rest of my life, but simply because they were fun.

We forget about having fun too much when we're adults. We have more important things to do. Business to attend to. Work that clamors for our attention. Difficult decisions to make

It's true. As grown-ups, we have legitimately important things that we need to address. There are people who depend on us being responsible, and I'm not advocating that we neglect those tasks.

But we need to inject fun into our lives. We need to find time to do things that energize us. We need to look for ways to let our hair down and relax. We need to accept that we have a responsibility to carve out space in our lives for joy.

We need to find our Camp Happy.

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What fun things have you done lately? Do you have any Camp Happy-type memories to share? Let me know in the comments!